Blood Cancer

Life's been nothing but a full state of depression lately.. Honda tiger left rusted, playing room become empty n dusted, blood flowing back n forth, drugs raining inside my vein, short hair cut.. I knew that the worst yet to come, until it actually ripped my body apart..

I don't really remember how it all started actually, have you ever seen movies where the hero almost die and he started to see his life before pass before his eyes? well, that did not happen to me at all.. at least until i was hospitalized for the second time..

Well i do remember that life's been a bit messy since the beginning of 2010 remembering the accident happened on the new years eve which disabled me from riding my honda tiger.. At the time, i spent most of my time in my home with a good acquaintance of mine, moritz. He was with me all the time from the beginning of january until sometime around the end of january. At the time, i couldn't play guitar which depressed me a bit, so as an alternative, i made a website for moritz' travel agencies. It was costing me packs of cigarettes, i knew there was something wrong because i was starting to cough a lot, but as usual i just keep move on.

A lot of thing happened on january.. i still remember that we have this bbq, eating half burnt stink ray on the porch with several colleagues, there was also febri my sister's friend, a speed addicted jack ass.. He told me a story where an old man chased him and pretended to sue him. i watched movies in front of my "battle room" with adryan my best pal after the bbq. good movies.. So anw, for the rest of january i spent hours of playing point blank and making website with moritz.. good times.. though the website only half finished.. After moritz got himself back to school again, i spent most of the time play pb, play with mamiel and febri few times, started taking cisco courses and goes to college studying ethical hacking (the last subject to complete my advanced diploma).

Well at least those are few things i can recall before the blood cancer kicked in. I started to feel that there's something teribly wrong when i was taking my last cisco course, at the time, i was having this influenza along with heavy cough, i also felt absolutely weak.. I was very very weak until once my mom give me a ride to the cisco course and drive me to a restaurant instead of going for a cisco class and treat me few dishes where i barfed a lot. Going home, i my gum started to swollen very bad, and i had this infection on my throat so i hardly eat. That night was the very last time of my teenage life before it flipped to this fucked up condition where i ended up now. So, after that, my mom took me to the hospital for my lung related infection, then i meet this lung specialized doctor. He told me to do blood check and xray on my lung. Then the result shows up and the doctor stunned, my blood test results showing my white blood cells was 130.000 while it's only 10.000 for normal people. And i have this moderately heavy lung infection.

For the next 5 minutes, i already had my self on a bed with IV injected on my arm. My mom was crying so bad... and for me, i knew i had leukemia just after seeing the blood test result.

Since i was in junior high, i have this attention disorder that i actually feel nothing when something big happened. Maybe it's because of my physical condition which is a bit weaker than all of my friends that affects my psychological condition that disable me from feeling several expression on few big moments of my life. It blocks me from feeling sad and depressed for a number of days after the big moments.

So here i am now, waiting my blood cell to stabilize after the second induction chemo therapy. Stunned at what i had from between the first time i was hospitalized until now. The moment between was very depressing, sad, and hard. i'd rather stop and look at the sky than writing what happen on the moment between. For me, i was lucky i'm able to survive from lung infection and leukemia at the same time, with minor side effects. The truth is, i have this two personalities, one that feels thing and expression, and one that dumb enough to feel any feeling. That dark side get a grip on me, letting this depression and sadness to be postponed until i get a little bit stronger rite now.

It was one hell of a ride, a highway meters away from hell and stopped here, the last resort. Redemption.