Post remission

Here i am, an empty soul, nothing more than dead memories.. All i can think about is good time i had long time a go. Those flashback scenes played in an infinite loop. Sometime i regret for becoming manic depressive and close minded, i was too ignorance to all the good things i've achieved in the past. Yeah, life was fucked up but compared to now, i don't know, it's an irony that i improved my health quality but losing all that i love so much. My tiger, how i miss it so much and all of my friends that i can't even play with because of my fucked up immune system. Maybe god did wanna tell me something and yeah, i was too ignorance. It sounds very easy if you listen to mainstream musics and movies, cause if thing goes terribly fucked you can always committed suicide, truth is being dying feels like hell, i can't imagine how it feels when i died. But again, being between life and death, stuck in the middle, i mean yeah now my health quality was greatly improved and i think my leukemia will cured and everything will goes back to normal, but i don't know, cause the world normal today, tomorrow and yesterday seem so goddamn different.

Being normal yesterday means that i can go everywhere i like, do everything i wanna do, get wasted, gone crazy on Saturday nite, burn the road with my friends, and of course with suicidal tendencies, depressive and worried thoughts. I don't know why i possessed those thoughts and tendencies, maybe i was mental, and in very bad state.

And being normal now, well just cross out of the fun activity described above. So, actually i was fighting my own self. From my today perspective, everything got pretty much twisted. And yeah, i know "if" i can go back in time, i will tell my self : Go wasted! drink everything till you can't drink no more! smoke all you like!! And one thing: NEVER WORRIED ABOUT IT! cause when you do worried, you'll find yourself in the future, being bald and lonely.

I have a theory, those people who suffered from disease like mine, are because they stressed and worried every time. Just like me! i mean yeah being depressive and worried does cause stress and decrease life quality. Look at my friends, they smoke, they wasted, and nothing happen to them, cause what? they don't worried about what they did and they enjoy every time they smoke and drink. They don't give a fuck that those two things will kill them at the end, but the interval of happy smoking and drinking and get killed of cancer is a very long time... so, they may already sober and not addicted to smoke, before the diseases get triggered. And it proven that once i was on the hospital a used to be nurse-nun said that most of cancer was trigered by stress. well i think, from the very stupid POV, it is true! put it this way, like in my case, you smoke and you worried the hell bout it cause your parent said you will get cancer and died and bla bla bla.. well, for some teens, they don't give a fuck, so they just keep smoking and "enjoy it", but for teens like me, when they smoke, they will feel worried and think that maybe he will later died of cancer, so they do not enjoy every time they smoke, more like an addiction or substitution of life problem, then this kind of mental state fucked up the physical system of the body. For simple analogy, if you see a man climbing a very high mountain, you discourage him, and the man will fall, while if you encourage him, he will climb successfully to the top without falling. So, who am i going to blame today? society in general, my parents, my grandmother, and many fucking more.

Well my case is very well complicated, cause i have a manic depressive because i only spent 2 years for junior high, they cut my teen enjoyment on the third grade of my junior high.. FUCK THAT! it's fucking amazing that small things like that alter your life afterward. In conclusion, yeah don't be depressive and worrying like an old fucking guy! Be a child, don't afraid to what your mother and father told you! see it from logical point of view, and never afraid to disease, if you never think about it, it will never come, and never think that today is the end of the day, there always be a bright tomorrow, and if maybe tomorrow the world ends, there's always be an afterlife. The very important thing is : when you very afraid of something, fight it! and never ever prohibit your children by planting scary thougts on your children brain especially, don't tell scary thoughts about disease to a child, cause it will actually happen!! and when it does happen like me now, WAKE UP!! erase that fucked up thoutghts about the disease that you're scared to. And be fucking patient for god sake, you can ride your honda and play like usual! JUST WAIT there's always payback time. Yeah i am talking to you bald fuck! Get the fuck away from my body! you raced through my dream taking shape destroy my life!! TIME TO RISE FUCKER! hahaha. so stupid that i am making a note for my future my self to read right now. Cause i know, no one else will listen and understand what i am saying and feeling right now.

Note to self: fight the power.

Blood Cancer

Life's been nothing but a full state of depression lately.. Honda tiger left rusted, playing room become empty n dusted, blood flowing back n forth, drugs raining inside my vein, short hair cut.. I knew that the worst yet to come, until it actually ripped my body apart..

I don't really remember how it all started actually, have you ever seen movies where the hero almost die and he started to see his life before pass before his eyes? well, that did not happen to me at all.. at least until i was hospitalized for the second time..

Well i do remember that life's been a bit messy since the beginning of 2010 remembering the accident happened on the new years eve which disabled me from riding my honda tiger.. At the time, i spent most of my time in my home with a good acquaintance of mine, moritz. He was with me all the time from the beginning of january until sometime around the end of january. At the time, i couldn't play guitar which depressed me a bit, so as an alternative, i made a website for moritz' travel agencies. It was costing me packs of cigarettes, i knew there was something wrong because i was starting to cough a lot, but as usual i just keep move on.

A lot of thing happened on january.. i still remember that we have this bbq, eating half burnt stink ray on the porch with several colleagues, there was also febri my sister's friend, a speed addicted jack ass.. He told me a story where an old man chased him and pretended to sue him. i watched movies in front of my "battle room" with adryan my best pal after the bbq. good movies.. So anw, for the rest of january i spent hours of playing point blank and making website with moritz.. good times.. though the website only half finished.. After moritz got himself back to school again, i spent most of the time play pb, play with mamiel and febri few times, started taking cisco courses and goes to college studying ethical hacking (the last subject to complete my advanced diploma).

Well at least those are few things i can recall before the blood cancer kicked in. I started to feel that there's something teribly wrong when i was taking my last cisco course, at the time, i was having this influenza along with heavy cough, i also felt absolutely weak.. I was very very weak until once my mom give me a ride to the cisco course and drive me to a restaurant instead of going for a cisco class and treat me few dishes where i barfed a lot. Going home, i my gum started to swollen very bad, and i had this infection on my throat so i hardly eat. That night was the very last time of my teenage life before it flipped to this fucked up condition where i ended up now. So, after that, my mom took me to the hospital for my lung related infection, then i meet this lung specialized doctor. He told me to do blood check and xray on my lung. Then the result shows up and the doctor stunned, my blood test results showing my white blood cells was 130.000 while it's only 10.000 for normal people. And i have this moderately heavy lung infection.

For the next 5 minutes, i already had my self on a bed with IV injected on my arm. My mom was crying so bad... and for me, i knew i had leukemia just after seeing the blood test result.

Since i was in junior high, i have this attention disorder that i actually feel nothing when something big happened. Maybe it's because of my physical condition which is a bit weaker than all of my friends that affects my psychological condition that disable me from feeling several expression on few big moments of my life. It blocks me from feeling sad and depressed for a number of days after the big moments.

So here i am now, waiting my blood cell to stabilize after the second induction chemo therapy. Stunned at what i had from between the first time i was hospitalized until now. The moment between was very depressing, sad, and hard. i'd rather stop and look at the sky than writing what happen on the moment between. For me, i was lucky i'm able to survive from lung infection and leukemia at the same time, with minor side effects. The truth is, i have this two personalities, one that feels thing and expression, and one that dumb enough to feel any feeling. That dark side get a grip on me, letting this depression and sadness to be postponed until i get a little bit stronger rite now.

It was one hell of a ride, a highway meters away from hell and stopped here, the last resort. Redemption.

Hanya ada satu kata: 2010 !

2010, ga kerasa, rambut tambah gondrong, rontok tambah edan. kondisi badan totally deteriorated. Awal taun baru aj ud suram, jari tengah gw retak gara2 nonjok sesuatu* (* objek di samarkan untuk keselamatan penulis blog). Tp, pengalaman malam taun baru gw, priceless. It all started at the end of 2009. Setelah bbq dan lari2 telanjang badan (mke celana tetep) di rumah tmn gw beserta anak2 perkumpulan gw, temen gw ngajak gw k salah satu tempat dugem di bdg. Pergilah gw ksana ditemani oleh seorang teman tempur. Dsana gw wasted abis, ngeliat stripper yang DDDDDDDDDDDAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMNNNNNNNN hot!! minum shits yng gw klo mo beli itu kynya hrus nyicil dulu. Balik dri situ gw suruh tmn gw ngebut mke mtr gw dan gw mulai neriakin mobil satu2 yng dilewatin. Satu kali ad sebuah objek gw lewatin dan itu sekitar kurang lebih 100 km/jam dan gw tonjok deh. alhasil darah ngocor kmn2. Besokny tangan gw bengkak segede fuck. yah akhirny libur taun baru gw g bsa ngapa2in. cmn diem maen pb di hum. motor dah g bsa bawa, proyek band cuti dulu, mencret 3 hari. Fuck semuanya anjing.