Post remission

Here i am, an empty soul, nothing more than dead memories.. All i can think about is good time i had long time a go. Those flashback scenes played in an infinite loop. Sometime i regret for becoming manic depressive and close minded, i was too ignorance to all the good things i've achieved in the past. Yeah, life was fucked up but compared to now, i don't know, it's an irony that i improved my health quality but losing all that i love so much. My tiger, how i miss it so much and all of my friends that i can't even play with because of my fucked up immune system. Maybe god did wanna tell me something and yeah, i was too ignorance. It sounds very easy if you listen to mainstream musics and movies, cause if thing goes terribly fucked you can always committed suicide, truth is being dying feels like hell, i can't imagine how it feels when i died. But again, being between life and death, stuck in the middle, i mean yeah now my health quality was greatly improved and i think my leukemia will cured and everything will goes back to normal, but i don't know, cause the world normal today, tomorrow and yesterday seem so goddamn different.

Being normal yesterday means that i can go everywhere i like, do everything i wanna do, get wasted, gone crazy on Saturday nite, burn the road with my friends, and of course with suicidal tendencies, depressive and worried thoughts. I don't know why i possessed those thoughts and tendencies, maybe i was mental, and in very bad state.

And being normal now, well just cross out of the fun activity described above. So, actually i was fighting my own self. From my today perspective, everything got pretty much twisted. And yeah, i know "if" i can go back in time, i will tell my self : Go wasted! drink everything till you can't drink no more! smoke all you like!! And one thing: NEVER WORRIED ABOUT IT! cause when you do worried, you'll find yourself in the future, being bald and lonely.

I have a theory, those people who suffered from disease like mine, are because they stressed and worried every time. Just like me! i mean yeah being depressive and worried does cause stress and decrease life quality. Look at my friends, they smoke, they wasted, and nothing happen to them, cause what? they don't worried about what they did and they enjoy every time they smoke and drink. They don't give a fuck that those two things will kill them at the end, but the interval of happy smoking and drinking and get killed of cancer is a very long time... so, they may already sober and not addicted to smoke, before the diseases get triggered. And it proven that once i was on the hospital a used to be nurse-nun said that most of cancer was trigered by stress. well i think, from the very stupid POV, it is true! put it this way, like in my case, you smoke and you worried the hell bout it cause your parent said you will get cancer and died and bla bla bla.. well, for some teens, they don't give a fuck, so they just keep smoking and "enjoy it", but for teens like me, when they smoke, they will feel worried and think that maybe he will later died of cancer, so they do not enjoy every time they smoke, more like an addiction or substitution of life problem, then this kind of mental state fucked up the physical system of the body. For simple analogy, if you see a man climbing a very high mountain, you discourage him, and the man will fall, while if you encourage him, he will climb successfully to the top without falling. So, who am i going to blame today? society in general, my parents, my grandmother, and many fucking more.

Well my case is very well complicated, cause i have a manic depressive because i only spent 2 years for junior high, they cut my teen enjoyment on the third grade of my junior high.. FUCK THAT! it's fucking amazing that small things like that alter your life afterward. In conclusion, yeah don't be depressive and worrying like an old fucking guy! Be a child, don't afraid to what your mother and father told you! see it from logical point of view, and never afraid to disease, if you never think about it, it will never come, and never think that today is the end of the day, there always be a bright tomorrow, and if maybe tomorrow the world ends, there's always be an afterlife. The very important thing is : when you very afraid of something, fight it! and never ever prohibit your children by planting scary thougts on your children brain especially, don't tell scary thoughts about disease to a child, cause it will actually happen!! and when it does happen like me now, WAKE UP!! erase that fucked up thoutghts about the disease that you're scared to. And be fucking patient for god sake, you can ride your honda and play like usual! JUST WAIT there's always payback time. Yeah i am talking to you bald fuck! Get the fuck away from my body! you raced through my dream taking shape destroy my life!! TIME TO RISE FUCKER! hahaha. so stupid that i am making a note for my future my self to read right now. Cause i know, no one else will listen and understand what i am saying and feeling right now.

Note to self: fight the power.